What's immediately weird about this blog post is that I know nobody will be reading this for months...if ever. So, this is just a brain dump for myself, if nothing else. I like the intimacy of just writing to me and for me, at least right now.
The hard thing to say is this: I've been really angry all week. I've been angry about being isolated and having a cold. I've been angry at old wounds for being wounds. I've been angry at racists on the internet. I've been angry at drunk assholes at bars. I've been angry at Brett Farvre and the Mississippi elite. I've been angry at some my coworkers. I've been angry at the fact that Coolio won't get to grow old. I've been angry at bullies, real and imagined. I've been angry about how severe and unkind the world is.
Lately I've been wondering what it'll take to survive a world that seems to give me nothing but angst. What I've come up with so far is vague but: peace. At all costs, to every end...peace.
Peace this week has meant taking a purposeful day off of work to tend to my wellness without feeling guilt or pressure for doing so. Peace has looked like journaling and going to sleep early. Peace has been beautiful, indulgent baths in my clawfoot tub. Peace has meant turning off YouTube and podcasts and the incessant buzz of news, just allowing myself to be held by the silence of a room. Oddly and unexpectedly, peace has also looked like me working on this business.
WHEWWWW--definitely wasn't expecting that(!!!). Being truly transparent with myself, this business has felt like a daunting mountain. (as a take a huge breath while writing that, funny.) I lost my momentum a little before the pandemic and I thought I would recover it would a saved a certain amount of money. NOPE. Turns out that milestone, though meaning a lot to me, wasn't the kick I needed. I didn't know where to start. So many things need to be built, it felt like I needed to do everything in a day, and every time I would get the ball rolling, I... another hurdle would slow me down again. Howeverrrr, I just threw my hat into the ring of the Afrotech CPG business plan competition and something turned a corner for me.
I spent a week filling out that application, and suddenly I was organized, I had a plan I knew my next steps, and I had a plan of execution. SO what turned it around for me? A deadline. I reflected on the momentum I had before and what felt the similar about that time. I was pretty consistently applying to business plan competitions (and even winning a few!). I enjoyed the competitive environment because I really believe in my idea. I love being in community with other founders, and I'm really inspired by their grit and creativity. Also, as an artist, I love the performance of BPCs. I'm comfortable on stage and I find immense joy in connecting with an audience.
Now back to peace: When I took off that day of work to focus on getting well, I decided to just spend the day at ease. I only did whatever brought me joy and made me feel good: wearing comfy socks, soaking in the bathtub, prayer and personal rituals, drinking lots of tea, napping. At some point in the day, peace felt like working on this business. There was an urgency, but no anxiety. There was action. There was vision. There was me, executing and continuing with the momentum of the previous week's BPC submission. One thing I have to thank for the progress I made this week is Morgan Debaun's WorkSmart 10-day productivity challenge. Naturally, I'm doing it on my own time, but so far, those tools have been really helpful against those inevitable stumbling blocks. Shoutout to Morgan! There's a number of women who I looked up to as my Business Big Cousins, and she's definitely one of them.
I don't have to go back and read over this to know how scattered it is. I know what my brain looks like at the end of a long day lol. Long story short: I took care of me this week. In taking care of me, I was able to take care of my business and build on this momentum that I've found. Growing up, my dad used to always tell me, "when you take care of your business, your business will take care of you." He stated this about bills, chores, schoolwork, etc. But that piece of wisdom has met be precisely here. And it's true! Of course "business" can be a stand-in for many things, like "mental health," "body," and a ceaseless string of et ceteras. But the glaring double entendre is what I see most. My dad is the smartest man I know, and I'm so thankful that I'm finding new applications for his oldest lessons.
It's a Saturday night, I'm tired. I'm not even gonna proofread this. I'm going to BED. Goodnight and goodnight and goodnight and goodnight and goooooooodnight.